Being left by a cheater for the affair partner, is painful. The feelings of rejection, anger, jealousy, and frustration are difficult emotions to deal with and to work past, especially in the face of people doling out the continual advice of “It’s time to move on”.
But they’re right. There comes a time when it IS time to move on. However, some people refuse to do so, preferring instead to live in stasis, hiding behind rationalizations of ‘standing‘, religion, children and family, or finances. In reality, the refusal to move on is founded in fear, dressed up as something more palatable like strength or moral beliefs. Whatever the real (or imagined) reasons, it doesn’t negate the emotional state that someone in this circumstance is struggling to cope with.
Seeking Legitimacy
Hearing a consistent stream of advice that you don’t want to hear about moving on, letting go, starting afresh, getting over it etc, can result in anger and feelings of resentment and ‘you don’t understand’ in the abandoned spouse.
Some spend considerable time seeking a legitimate psychological or medical label for their inaction and stasis. It’s true that some people feel less isolated and more normal when what they’re experiencing is somewhat legitimized by the discovery of a book, theory or article that licenses their stasis.
Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.
― Ann Landers
Wife Abandonment Syndrome
(Because if it is a ‘syndrome’ it makes it okay to stay stuck in the self-imposed stasis?)
Wife Abandonment Syndrome is a theory developed by Vikki Stark following some research with some 400 abandoned wives. She lists ten hallmarks of what she believes is W.A.S.:
- Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.
- The husband had never indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.
- By the time he reveals his feelings to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and the husband moves out quickly.
- The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over “out-of-the-blue” in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.
- Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.
- The husband’s behavior changes radically, feeling to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.
- The husband exhibits no remorse; rather, anger is directed toward his wife and he may describe himself as the victim.
- In most cases, the husband is having an affair and moves in directly with his girlfriend.
- The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been extinguished
- Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband redefines what had previously been an agreed-upon view of the couple’s joint history.
Validation
So many of these ‘hallmarks’ are felt by anyone whose spouse’s are in affairs, though I don’t believe that it is wholly a gender issue so I remain skeptical about both the research and the label.
BUT … I am not disparaging or minimizing the emotional impact of this mess, or questioning the legitimacy of someone feeling hurt and betrayed. Neither am I suggesting that these 10 hallmarks are not common markers of an affair that results in the affair partner being chosen over the spouse. I absolutely believe these things to be valid, human, understandable, and legitimate feelings. I understand how it feels, and I understand the grief and desire for something or someone to just make it all go away. It’s real.
What I am saying is that calling it a syndrome, or finding a professional who calls it a syndrome, does not license anyone to abdicate their responsibility to themselves to accept what is, and to live and change their own life accordingly.
What’s gone and what’s past help should be past grief.
~ William Shakespeare
Let It Go, or Let It Be
In her article Letting Go or Letting Be, Vikki Stark says that it is the quest for closure that keeps you mired in the affair drama:
I think we need to accept that there are things in life that just trail off. A sense of closure, or coming full circle, is a luxury that we’re not always lucky enough to enjoy. It’s the continual search for closure keeps you stuck.
She explains,
It’s unrealistic to hope for a time when you will not longer get a twinge of sadness or hurt when your special song together comes on the radio, no matter how much time has passed. That’s human nature. But the goal is to take back your life into your own hands and fight like a banshee to make it be happy, in spite of the heartache you have experienced.
Forging forward with your own life, on your own terms, making choices founded in your own values and having them move your closer to your own goals? That’s a win.
You might not be able to let the affair go. You might not be able to heft it over your shoulder and never look back. What you can do for yourself though is stop the continual examination of it. You can stop yourself from bemoaning your lot in life, railing about the injustice of it. You can stop miring yourself in your own misery, casting yourself as a romantic figure in your own melodrama. You can stop cradling the wound and let it heal, and decide not to pick at the scab, however sickly satisfying it is to do so.
If you can’t let it go, let it be.
~ Wayfarer
